I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
