There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
