mondays should just be called national damage control day
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
