You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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