Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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