she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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