I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
