hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
