I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
