I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
