o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Quick, to the slutcave!
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize