Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
