Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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