People in love make me want to vomit
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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