So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
