there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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