Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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