Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
We need a shit load of segways right now
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
