you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
