Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize