i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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