Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
the gays at disneyland are vicious
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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