four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
