At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You left your phone here
Wait...
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