At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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