I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize