Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
