hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
