I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
