He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
