I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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