i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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