I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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