I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
