Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
