I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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