I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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