i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
