i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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