I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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