she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize