one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
