There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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