I'm eating all of the evidence.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
