U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
