I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Every concussion has its silver lining
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
