oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
