My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
