What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize