good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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