What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
