the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
