i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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