i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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