Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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